


nostalgic for disaster

by thisstarlesscity



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, this is based off of the song “hum hallelujah”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 02:10:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14154405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisstarlesscity/pseuds/thisstarlesscity
Summary: Really, he just wanted everything to stop. He wanted the attention off him, he was always in the spotlight and it was eating away at him, eating away at his sense of self. Who would he be once everything fell apart, as most things in his life seemed to?





	nostalgic for disaster

Pete stared at the blue sign above him and then back down at the blue in his palm. His mind was racing, most of it telling to simply stop being a coward, and swallow the pills. That the world was better off without him. But there was a small voice, practically a whisper, telling him that no, he needed to stay. 

It sounded suspiciously like Patrick. 

But it was all too easy to ignore that when the rest of his mind was so much louder, faster, more chaotic, easier to listen to. Pete would prove it wrong. He wasn’t a coward. He was the kind of guy who would jump off a huge amp, break his foot, and keep playing. The kind of guy who would do anything for his friends, no matter how dangerous. Though that probably stemmed from him not really caring much about his life, evidenced by the fact that he was currently holding enough pills to kill him.

Pete wasn’t a coward.

He brought his hand to his lips, taking a few pills into his mouth and swallowing. He repeated the action a couple times until all the pills were gone. Now all he had to do was wait. Pete knew it would take about half an hour for the effects to kick in, so he had that long to text his friends and tell them goodbye, without actually saying goodbye.

He texted some of his close friends, telling them he loved them. A couple responded, telling him they loved him too, but asking what prompted him to say so. He didn’t answer.

Pete didn’t want to be saved this time. But there was that little voice again, telling him that he did, he wanted to keep living. He knew it held a small bit of truth. Really, he just wanted everything to stop. He wanted the attention off him, he was always in the spotlight and it was eating away at him, eating away at his sense of self. Who would he be once everything fell apart, as most things in his life seemed to? 

He had to text Patrick. _Patrick._ His best friend. The reason his relationships never lasted. Not because Patrick ruined them on purpose, no, but because Pete only dated other people to try to get over him. It never seemed to work. And so the relationships never worked out. Either he broke up with them because they just weren’t Patrick, or they broke up with him because he was too distant, never seeming quite there. He had to say goodbye to Patrick before he ruined that relationship too. 

Not that it would matter soon enough. People don’t matter when you’re dead.

He pulled out his phone, flipped it open, and pulled up his messages to Patrick. Their most recent conversation, about a song they were trying to write, made him smile. Pete kept trying to tell him to use this one line, but Patrick kept going on about how it didn’t fit the music. He wouldn’t change his mind, and Pete knew that, but seeing him get worked up was almost laughable. It was endearing. Patrick was a disaster, but he was only a disaster because of his best friend, a bipolar kid who acted on whatever impulse he felt at the moment. 

Pete was suddenly nostalgic for his presence. He was the anchor that kept Pete tied down to the earth, that kept him from floating away. Today, the anchor was gone, and soon Pete would be too. 

His thumbs hovered above the keys, formulating the way to tell Patrick what he’d always wanted to say. _I love you._ He could finally say it. Consequences couldn’t reach him wherever he went, heaven or hell. Probably hell. 

As the words formed in his head, he typed them out, writing a song for Patrick, a symphony of his own sins.

“ _You’ll be better off, because I’m worse for wear_  
_I am the dreamer and we are the dream._  
_My words are my faith, to hell with our good name._  
_I’m nostalgic for your disaster._  
_I love you in the same way,_  
_because you’re the chapel in my hospital._  
_Sometimes we take chances,_  
_Sometimes we take pills._  
_So hum hallelujah_  
_Just off the key of reason._  
_A teenage vow in a parking lot_  
_“‘Till tonight do us part”._  
_You’ll sing the blues_  
_as I swallow them too._ ”

Patrick would be the only one who would get an explanation of what had happened to him. He would know, from Pete’s message, what was going on. And maybe he’d try to save him. It wouldn’t matter. There were only a couple of minutes left until the medicine’s effects set in, and Pete would be gone soon after. He sent the message.

Pete leaned his head back against the seat. It had been half an hour, and he could feel the pills starting to work. His stomach churned as he felt a buzz, then another, from his phone. Patrick was texting him, repeatedly, seeming to be a panic. Pete smiled, his mind starting to become fuzzy, as he saw that yes, Patrick still cared about him, even with all the dumb shit he had pulled over the years. 

“ _where are you”_

_“please pete tell me where you are”_

_“you’ll be ok, don’t do this”_

_“i love you too_ ”

The last message caught his attention. Patrick couldn’t mean that, could he? He must have meant he loved Pete as a friend. But then Pete recalled all the times when Patrick had lingered, his arm resting on Pete’ leg for longer than necessary, a hug for just a moment too long. Maybe he really was telling the truth? Pete figured he had nothing to lose by asking. He was fading by the second, and he wanted to know before he died. He dialed Patrick’s number, and Patrick picked up on the first ring.

“Do you really love me? Not as just friends?”

“Yes, but this isn’t the conversation we need to have. Pete, tell me where you are and what you did right now.”

“Best Buy, but don’t bother trying to save me. The pills should be finished with me soon enough,” Pete replied, his words starting to slur together.

“I’m coming to get you, I’m not far from you.”

“You shouldn’t be on the phone while you’re driving, Patrick. It’s dangerous.”

“You can’t even speak without slurring your words because you’re trying to off yourself and you’re berating me for talking on the phone and driving. I’m almost there. Please try to stay alive, for me, for yourself.”

“Don’t wanna stay alive.”

“Pete, I’m about to pull into the parking lot, I’m going to hang up and call 911, don’t do anything else.”

Pete sighed as Patrick hung up. His mind was so fuzzy he could barely form a response. He was almost gone. He felt bad for Patrick, he was putting all this weight on him, while he was about to be gone and not have to deal with things anymore. But the feeling of guilt soon faded as his emotions joined the rest of his body in a numb state. Pete closed his eyes, ready to succumb to the feeling of nothing.

A screeching noise reached his ears and his eyes snapped open. Pete could hardly move his head to see Patrick’s car pulling into the parking lot and coming towards him. He didn’t want Patrick to reach him. He was so close to the embrace of sweet nothingness. A couple moments and he’d reach it. Pete locked his car doors and closed his eyes once again, figuring if Patrick couldn’t get in the car, he couldn’t save him.

Pete was wrong. He felt his body being moved and slowly opened his eyes to see a blurry mess of colors moving around. It must have been Patrick. He suddenly remembered that Patrick had keys to his car. 

“Shiiiiit,” he mumbled.

Patrick had his phone to his ear, and his mouth was moving, but Pete couldn’t tell what he was saying. Everything sounded like it was underwater. The last thing Pete heard before it all faded to black was Patrick, asking him to stay with him.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

The ambulance hadn’t gotten there fast enough. By the time it arrived, Pete’s heartbeat was so faint, Patrick could barely feel it. The paramedics had tried to revive him, but Pete was too far gone. His heart stopped beating a couple minutes after they got into the ambulance. 

Patrick had watched his best friend, and the man he’d been in love with, die in his arms. 

Patrick didn’t speak to anyone but Joe and Andy for the next week. Patrick could hardly say Pete’s name without almost crying, he couldn’t sing songs that were written by him. This was the end for Fall Out Boy. They decided to release the songs they had been working on, as a sort of last hurrah, but Patrick wanted to write one more. They called it Hum Hallelujah.

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by the fact that i had “hum hallelujah” playing for an entire three hour car ride, and so i wrote this while that was on repeat if you couldn’t tell.  
> also it’s kind of a vent fic? but not exactly


End file.
